The Pilot episode is the first episode of season one of The Real O'Neals. It is the first episode overall.
The O'Neals are a picture perfect Irish Catholic family and they're going to make their big move at the church's bingo fundraiser. However, things go wrong when all members of the family have some sinful secrets to reveal.
The O'Neal family is sitting around the table at a restaurant. The family consists of Kenny O'Neal, the teenage middle child and closeted homosexual. He is the main character of the series and also provides frequent narrations of the show, Eileen O'Neal, the uptight, controlling mother, Pat O'Neal, the clumsy but hard working father, Jimmy O'Neal, the oldest child and dumb jock, and Shannon O'Neal, the youngest and smartest child of the family and voice of reason. They act like a perfect, Catholic family not doing anything wrong and acting like the ideal picture of a family. The biggest problem that happens is Kenny leaning back in his chair, not keeping all of the chair legs on the floor. Eileen orders everyone else's food, not allowing them to make their own choices because she wants everyone to have a healthy diet. Shannon asks the waitress if she wants to donate money to charity, and Eileen says that if she doesn't donate, she'll go to Hell. A jump cut to later in the episode shows the family running in terror, through the night, being chased by a bunch of angry people, while carrying a canoe. Kenny narrates the episode, telling us how things got to be the way they were.
A jump back to a few days earlier, shown Eileen having a house party, getting ready for the church bingo fundraiser and everyone she knows is there, from her friends to the priest at the church. Eileen tells Pat that he needs to give up his canoe to ayction off at the church fundraiser because they've had it for years and never use it. Pat argues that he wants to eventually use it one day and refuses to get rid of it, but Eileen wins the fight. Meanwhile, Kenny is in his room with his girlfriend, Mimi. Mimi is pressuring Kenny to have sex with her, but he is way too obligated to do so, but Mimi tells him that she just can't wait any longer and gives him a pack of condoms. Kenny is under too much pressure and goes into the bathroom, claiming that he's going to put one on and "make an entrance". While he's in there, Kenny is freaking out because he's gay and doesn't want to have sex with her. He then sees a hallucination of a shirtless cologne model in the mirror, telling Kenny that he needs to have sex with her. Kenny tries to get the courage to do so, but chickens and flushes the condoms down the toilet, clogging it and overflowing it, which breaks a hole in the ceiling above the party and ruins everything.
Kenny is later being punished by his parents for what he did, and although he didn't actually have sex with her, his parents and everyone at the party who witnessed the event is fully convinced that he had "sinned" with Mimi. As a way of teaching him abstinence, Pat takes Kenny with him to his job at the police station, where he is sent to talk with a recently arrested hooker, who tells him all the negative consequences of having sex. During the conversation, the hooker is able to tell that Kenny is gay, which he quickly denies. Meanwhile, Eileen is loading the car with things for the fundraiser, when her sister, Jodi comes up and tells her that the gossip about Kenny and Mimi has gotten out and everyone has heard that he's had sex with her. Marcia Worthman, the neighborhood alpha-bitch had spread the word and completely slandered the O'Neal's good name, much to the dismay of Eileen. She says that hopefully she will do enough good at the fundraiser, to make everyone forget about the event with Kenny and Mimi.
At the fundraiser, everything seems to be running smoothly for Eileen and everything is joing fine for her. However, mayhem is coming up quick as the other members of the family are all having their struggles. As a way of Eileen teaching Kenny to "keep it in his pants" as she so blatantly put it, she sets Kenny and Mimi up in the church's daycare center to take care of a bunch of babies, warning them that this could be their entire lives if they continue to have sex like that. This scares Kenny for a whole different reason, giving him hallucinations of him getting married to Mimi and spending his life with a female in a heterosexual marriage. As for everyone else, Pat is still upset about his beloved canoe being ready to go to someone else, Jimmy is refraiming from eating any food, and Shannon swindels Father Phil into donating more money than he wanted to the fundraiser. Kenny decides that he can't handle the pressure anymore and he goes up to his dad to tell him his secret. However, all that he can get out is "Vaginas scare me" and Pat misinterperets this, telling him that feelings like that will never go away. Kenny tries to explain how he can't follow through with dating Mimi and Pat thinks that he fears that their marriage will not be sacred, which is actually pretty nerve striking for him because he is experiencing the same problems with his wife. Pat calls Eileen and the kids into the room with him because he figures that he needs her to be there when he tells Kenny his secret. They all go back there and although Eileen is hesitant at first, she eventually tells the kids the unfortunate truth, that she and Pat are getting a divorce. This opens a window of opportunity for Kenny, who feels this is the time to tell the family that he's gay. Just before he can though, Jimmy comes out as an anorexic to the family. He says that he can't bring himself to eat for some reason. Shannon then comes out as a theif who steals money over the internet. Eileen is overshwhelmed with disappointment for her kids and then asks Kenny if he's got anything to say. Kenny comes out as a homosexual in front of the entire family. Eileen is struck with more shock than she was for anyone else. Jodi then opens the door, revealing that the acoustics in that room were good enough for their entire conversation to be heard throughout the entire party and that everyone knows about their shameful secrets and sins now.
The O'Neal family is at church, needing to see the light of God to help guide them away from their sins. When they leave, Marcia Worthman tells Eileen that she's so sorry about everything that happened, but it'll be okay because her canoe is going to be sold to her and she'll make a lot of money off of that. Obviously, this was just a euphemism that she was making and Eileen declares that she's not going to let Marcia have the last laugh there. She decided to steal the canoe back. The family does just that and we go back to the scene from the cold opening. The O'Neal family runs away from the church, carrying the canoe and people are chasing after them. After some back and forth with Pat about how this is stealing, he's convinced that it's what they need to do. They get in the car and they drive off, and on their way away, they pass by Pastor Harris. Eileen stops the car and asks him to write a good letter for Jimmy so he can get into college. He and Shannon both say their shameful secrets to him and then she takes off again.
During the ending credits, Kenny, Jimmy, and Shannon are watching TV. Jimmy asks Kenny that if he's gay now, what kind of critiques does he have for him, Kenny immediately tells him that his hair is the biggest problem and Shannon agrees, which is too much for Jimmy and he leaves the couch in anger.
- Kenny O'Neal
- Shannon O'Neal
- Jimmy O'Neal
- Pat O'Neal
- Eileen O'Neal
- Jodi O'Neal
- Father Phil
- Marcia Worthman
- Jesus Christ
- Shirtless Cologne Model
- Everyone in the family comes out in this episode, revealing their shameful secrets. Pat and Eileen are getting a divorce, Jimmy is an anorexic, Shannon is a theif, and Kenny is gay.
- This is the only episode with a title that does not follow the "The Real (Blank)" formula.